


Mission: Retrieve Clown Trash

by m00nsetters



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Camping, Gen, Humanstuck, I Tried, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-20 01:30:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2410064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m00nsetters/pseuds/m00nsetters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gamzee disappears in the middle of a camping trip and Karkat goes to find him.<br/>------<br/>"You finally sit up and resolve yourself to a rainy day of bug bites when you notice the space next to you, formerly occupied with your best friend, is empty.</p>
<p>Where the fuck is your clown?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mission: Retrieve Clown Trash

**Author's Note:**

> Based loosely on a story my mom tells me of my uncle doing the same thing when I was an itty bitty toddler. My childhood was pretty wild man. This is actually my first fanfiction and the first fiction story I've written in like 3 years, so please go easy on me. Hopefully its not as bad as I feel it is, but I gotta give a big thanks to my two good friends who helped me edit out all my darned run-ons.  
> I only tagged Karkat, Gamzee, and Dave due to they have the majority of the speaking parts and everyone else's parts were so tiny I didn't feel I had the right to tag them :V but John, Jade, Rose, and Terezi do also appear for like 3 lines each. Hopefully the format is ok??? If it bugs anyone tell me but i tried to stick to traditional methods of figuring out new paragraphs but gosh it feels too spacey. Like I said im a total n00b when it comes to all this new fangled fanfiction stuff.  
> Also posted on tumblr: http://m00nsetters.tumblr.com/post/99180729438/mission-retrieve-clown-trash  
> (please don't hate me. I tried man, I tried.)

Your name is Karkat Vantas and today so far is going absolutely terrible.

Yesterday your shitty fucking group of so called friends betrayed you and dragged you camping. Now you are sitting in this cheap ass tent, which you expect to break any moment now under the storm, which has decided today was the perfect day to show up. You finally sit up and resolve yourself to a rainy day of bug bites when you notice the space next to you, formerly occupied with your best friend, is empty.

Where the fuck is your clown?

Oh my god you were too busy whining to yourself about the weather that you didn’t even notice there wasn’t another person in the tent. What if some serial killer came into the tent and abducted him? The lazy piece of shit wouldn’t even notice most likely he’d just follow along. But then you realize, thats incredibly ridiculous even for you. You are miles deep in the forest, so he couldn’t have gone too far.

Crap, you hope he has his umbrella because if he shows up soaked you don’t even think he brought a change of clothes with him. You know he was high as shit when he was packing despite him denying it. You regretfully drag yourself out of your warm cocoon of blankets and get dressed. You really hope to god the rain stops soon because you are hungry as hell and you're pretty sure making breakfast is pretty impossible right now. You know Gamzee brought pies, but you are pretty sure he put weed in them.

When you get outside, as you suspected, it was raining pretty hard. He can not be outside in this. Hell no. No one is out of their tents yet, but Terezi because she wakes up at the asscrack of dawn every day, but even she looks half asleep right now.

“Hey Terezi have you seen a wandering  juggalo around here because I woke up and as if god himself decided to shit all over my morning he has seemingly disappeared into thin air.”

Terezi looks like she’s trying really hard to remember something, then answers, “No, I don’t remember seeing him this morning. I think yesterday he went to go sleep in your car or something.”

Oh. You actually hadn’t thought of that one. Guess he didn’t want to crawl into bed and wake you up or something? You head off towards your car, which despite the terrible chipping paint job is a pretty good vehicle (and anyone who talks shit about it can go to hell.) Expecting to find a large mass of human sprawled everywhere you only find that someone left your windows down. Holy fuck you are going to kill him once you find him your seats are SOAKED. As you mourn over the interior of your car, you hear some footsteps behind you.

“Gamzee, I SWEAR TO GOD. If that’s you I’m going to tear your dick off and throw it into this never ending forest and leave it for the bears.”

“Not Gamzee, but dude, that’s pretty harsh. You in this campsite?”

Holy crap what the hell. That is a dude around your age, in a duck printed rain poncho. You just. You aren’t even going to comment that is just too terrible to even mention. it looks like Terezi had dressed him. Also why the fuck does someone need sunglasses in the middle of a rainstorm. “Yes we are in this campsite what the fuck do you want I’m in the middle of a search for someone”

The duck print douchebag doesn't even really move from his position. “If your missing person is a juggalo then your princess is in another castle. Specifically, he’s in OUR castle. I came to tell one of you guys to come get him”

Oh fuck what the hell has he gotten into now. “Shit he didn’t do anything stupid did he?”

“Nah, he just scared the shit out of us, we weren’t expecting a clown to be in our car.” he comments, “I’ll escort you to your mistress just follow me.”  

You honestly hope this guy is telling the truth because it’s either that or he is a serial killer and you are next. Following him, you notice he has extremely freaking light blonde hair. Its practically white. The mysteries of the douchebags fashion sense is getting increasingly more confusing. You just choose to ignore it from this point on. As the two of you arrive at the campsite, the rain is calming down, and thank god for that. You being hungry is still a thing. You notice the set up of their campsite is almost identical to your own. They must have mass made the spots at one point you think and holy hell, how did your car get here? You look towards the pancho douche and he just motions towards the car.

As you look closer you notice literally the only difference between your car and this one is that its paint isn’t chipped to hell. Three other people come walking up to meet you, one male and two female. The boy and one of the girls look like mirror images, so you assume they’re siblings. The blonde chick constantly looks like she’s judging you, which is pretty uncomfortable. The black haired girl practically breaks your eardrums as she yells, “Dave! Is that someone from the campsite?” Dave. That’s this douchebag’s name.

Dave replies “Nah he’s a hobo I just picked up. Aren’t I a good person?”

Oh god, will he shut up? “Fuck no, this asshole told me that you have one of our friends over here. Is he or did I just waste all the time I had to spend with this prick walking over here?”

The blonde pipes up (you are still pretty scared of her and you have no clue why), “To put your fears to rest, we do have your friend here. I’m Rose.” She motions to her friends,”This is John,” she says, gesturing to the dark haired kid, “and this is Jade. The one with the unfortunate rain equipment is Dave.” He puts one hand on your shoulder and another on her’s and wow he needs to stop.

“Hey man, don’t diss the coat. It is pure awesome and you just wish you could put it on your body.” You smack his hand off of you.

“That coat is astonishingly terrible and you look like a three year old who still shits their pants in it. Grow up and buy some big kid rain gear.” Dave just grasps his chest in obviously fake hurt.

“Well if you two finish playing around, how about you get that creepy clown out of my car?” Woah, you were right. Those two are definitely siblings. The black haired boy’s (you think his name was John?) voice is just as loud and annoying as the girl’s. You would tell him to stop calling Gamzee creepy, but it’s not exactly a lie. He’s pretty off-putting to most people.

“Let me go wake his ass up. He’s in the car, right?”

“Yeah, he’s been in there since we woke up.” John just opens the door and moves to let you in. Almost immediately you smell the stench of weed. This worthless assclown literally got so high he wandered into someone else’s car. This is a new low, even for him. You were gonna wake him up gently but now you just yank his hair until he finally wakes up. You can tell he’s really confused. After a few seconds he relaxes and you can just tell what comes out of his mouth next is going to be worthless garbage.

“Hey motherfuckin’ best friend. What’s goin’ on? Who’s these miraculous motherfuckers?”  

You just let it be because you knew it, its not even surprising anymore. You give up. “Your high ass passed out in the wrong car you brain-dead fuckup. I’m here to take you back to the campsite because you literally have the intelligence of a toddler. I can’t trust you to make it back yourself or I would be half tempted to leave you here to find your own way back. Get your ass up, we're leaving.”

You help haul him up, which deems to be a bit of a challenge considering he is about a foot taller than you, but you have about thirty pounds on him, so it works out. You are about to exit the campsite when you have second thoughts.

“Wait, take my number. If this douche ends up here again just call me and I’ll come retrieve him.” You hand off your number to the nearest person, then start walking back to your campsite with your lost juggalo in arms length, lest he get lost again.

God you hate camping.  


End file.
